(Which one are YOU?! lol)
Ok…….so let me be completely honest. I have been waiting on the right guy for ………….….35 years now!!!
In the earlier part of those years it was soooooo hard to wait. I was impatient, frustrated and lonely. And I made many stupid decisions and mistakes because of it (can anyone relate?!). Thankfully God kept me in spite of myself.
But then, about 5 years ago, so many things began to happen in my life that honestly, I didn’t have time to even THINK about marriage. It was not something that I focused on anymore!
I had to manage my time with dropping my sister to the hospital or picking her up from the hospital, Ministry responsibilities and my job!!! So.…….I really barely thought about marriage or sex or men.
But also I would say that this was a sign that something was wrong. I was in this bubble where I had no sexual desires. Even though the enemy was perpetually filling my mind with terrible sexual thoughts about EVERY guy that passed me wherever I went. But I would just push those thoughts back and never even speak about them to anyone. They were like this annoying fly that I would continually brush away, but it always came back. Then there was the fact that at night strange things were happening to me and I was always fighting spiritually. I just couldn’t understand it!
In time I learned that it was all connected to a spirit of perversion. A spirit that got a foothold in my life during my impatient and lonely phase (through reading romance novels and fantasizing etc.) sighhhhhh…….
This spirit messed with my mind and perverted everything!!!!!!!!!!! Everything led to sex. EVERYTHING. But it was only mentally – I never acted out on the images I kept seeing (thankfully!)
But I hated it!!!!!! I hated myself for thinking that way. And I hated the devil. And I was terrified of men. So I guess, I ended up hating the very idea of even meeting a guy.
I didn’t want to have sex! I didn’t want to fall in love! What could I possibly offer this guy in my messed up state? I didn’t even want to think about sex. I had had about enough of it because to me……..SEX WAS TORMENT.
Sooooooo waiting for the right man happened to me completely by default.
I wasn’t looking.
And we all know that, this is usually when God sends your husband! When you least expect it!
I was finally free spiritually and didn’t want to deal with emotions or sexual desires of any kind anytime soon.
NOPE. NO THANK YOU.
BUT without my knowledge, God had been preparing me for marriage.
Sometime after I moved on my own, I learned how to cook. AND LOVED IT! Like…….not the average ‘Yeah I can cook’ kinda attitude. I mean….I LOVE COOKING! I love creating new dishes in my head and trying them out. And honestly, at some point I began to wonder about this new found love. It just was so weird and amazing lol.
Then in September my church went on a fast. And I remember deciding to go all out on this fast. I wanted to grow spiritually and I wanted God to really work on me – break me, mold me and shape me. And I had the most amazing encounters with God during that fast. But I also remember on the last day I felt as if I was moving into something new. I didn’t know what it was though. The fast ended on the 30th of September and I kept feeling as if something was going to happen in October and the fast had prepared me for it.
Lo and behold, on October 2nd a guy at my church asked me if it was ok to message me. And the rest is History.
Thus began one of the greatest lessons in life, love and God that I have ever had.
Through this man, God showed me His Sovereignty, His Power, His Love for me and taught me about His attributes. I finally was able to understand what Grace was. What it means for God to Forgive us and throw our sins into the Sea of Forgetfulness. I learned the importance of spending quality time with God, because this is how we truly get to know Him. And when we get to know Him, we know what to expect from Him.
All from talking to a guy for 1 month.
And to top it all off, God used (and is still using!) THIS to heal me from my past.
My encouragement to anyone out there is to keep on waiting on God.
But make sure that you are preparing for that next step. God will not give you something you are not ready for! Even though I had not felt as if I was ready! (I wanted God to take him back! lol)
Also, let go of the physical expectations that you have for your future mate. And instead make a list of internal, spiritual and even biblical traits that you wish for this man to have.
Reason being…….God seldom ever gives us what we want in that particular area. God looks at the HEART, not the physical attributes. He will send you what you NEED in a man (even though you probably think that you know what you need!)
Just trust God’s timing and trust God’s choice. It will be the best decision that you ever made.
Forever God’s Work in Progress…..