The topics of Love and my Heart are the two areas that I have beat myself up about for the past year since I have been living on my own. I have consistently declared that I hate my heart and my inability to love people properly. And that I hate my mind and it’s inability to think proper thoughts and not stray randomly to evil and sexual things that make me feel so very sick about myself.
ALL OF THIS……HAS LED TO SELF HATE.
It’s true. I hate my ways. Which essentially means that daily…………….. I hate ME.
And God has highlighted to me that I still do not LOVE MYSELF.
The simplest things trigger this self hate. Like today. Today had been a somewhat rough day for me not so much because of having a heavy workload but because my mind was overloaded with worries and things that kept giving me anxiety. And so when I met with my friend after work to hang out………things didn’t go so well. I was uncomfortable and not fully myself. And it made me feel terrible! Because this area especially is what has hurt me all these years……..my inability to love.
And all I want is to be able to just get over myself and love others no matter what!!! But, I have really struggled to do this consistently.
What more do I have to do????!!!
I have to love myself.
How do I get there?
About two weeks ago I did something really stupid and my phone fell in the toilet **face palm!!**. Which means that I had no access to anyone that day. No family members. No friends. No significant other. It was literally just me and God.
Which may have been His plan all along especially after considering that one of my Bible School lecturers had expressed to the class just the day before that we need to slow down and appreciate life. “You need to STOP”, she said. So that we could pay attention to what was happening around us.
And I have been seeing it honestly………my return to hasty living. The return of that anxious feeling that I used to get before. And so I guess God had to take matters into His hands to make sure that I didn’t fall into the cycle again. And didn’t have to get deliverance again.
So everything (all my distractions) needed to be taken away.
So that I could STOP.
And relax. And listen. And write. And learn. And replenish.
I need God more than anything! I need HIS Love. So that I can love me more.
And by spending more time with Jesus, I know that God will help me learn to love myself and others. He is able to do ANYTHING!