Dealing with Self Hatred (Love Part 3)

I am continuing with the series on Love. And today I want to stray a little bit from my talks on Romantic Love and instead talk about something that I struggled with for a long time……

SELF HATRED

The topics of Love and my Heart are the two areas that I have beat myself up about for the past year since I have been living on my own. I have consistently declared that I hate my heart and my inability to love people properly. And that I hate my mind and it’s inability to think proper thoughts and not stray randomly to evil and sexual things that make me feel so very sick about myself.

ALL OF THIS……HAS LED TO SELF HATE.

It’s true. I hate my ways. Which essentially means that daily…………….. I hate ME.

And God has highlighted to me that I still do not LOVE MYSELF.

The simplest things trigger this self hate. Like today. Today had been a somewhat rough day for me not so much because of having a heavy workload but because my mind was overloaded with worries and things that kept giving me anxiety. And so when I met with my friend after work to hang out………things didn’t go so well. I was uncomfortable and not fully myself. And it made me feel terrible! Because this area especially is what has hurt me all these years……..my inability to love.

And all I want is to be able to just get over myself and love others no matter what!!! But, I have really struggled to do this consistently.

What more do I have to do????!!!

I have to love myself.

How do I get there?

About two weeks ago I did something really stupid and my phone fell in the toilet **face palm!!**. Which means that I had no access to anyone that day. No family members. No friends. No significant other. It was literally just me and God.

Which may have been His plan all along especially after considering that one of my Bible School lecturers had expressed to the class just the day before that we need to slow down and appreciate life. “You need to STOP”, she said. So that we could pay attention to what was happening around us.

And I have been seeing it honestly………my return to hasty living. The return of that anxious feeling that I used to get before. And so I guess God had to take matters into His hands to make sure that I didn’t fall into the cycle again. And didn’t have to get deliverance again.

So everything (all my distractions) needed to be taken away.

So that I could STOP.

And relax. And listen. And write. And learn. And replenish.

I need God more than anything! I need HIS Love. So that I can love me more.

And by spending more time with Jesus, I know that God will help me learn to love myself and others. He is able to do ANYTHING!

Just like YOU

God is Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omnipresent. Creator, Lord, Master, Provider, Sustainer, Strong Tower………

He is our Heavenly Father.

I have been saved (fully) for about 11 months now……but honestly, I have known God and went to church ALL MY LIFE.

Yet today is the first time that I finally understood what it means for God to be my Father.

You see…….when you grow up without a Father (an earthly one that is) it affects your ability to accept God as your Father. Because you don’t fully understand what His role is supposed to be in your life.

But I guess that in the situation where someone grows up with a Father it is assumed that they will easily accept God as their Heavenly Father and understand His love.

That is NOT my case.

I grew up with a Father. All my life. I grew up in what would be considered as a loving home. We were well provided for. And my siblings and I all did well at academics and grew to be ‘successful’.

But you know what?

I still grew up with a warped idea of LOVE.

I didn’t know what love was! And I loved God the same way I loved everybody else…….from a distance. At arm’s length.

All. My. Life.

BUT GOD

He stepped in and changed my whole life!!!! In a way that only He could. And so I have been learning bit by bit what it really means to love 😊❤.

And TODAY!!!!! He dropped another bomb on me! (That is becoming customary now 😄)

Have you ever had the Holy Spirit give you a revelation while doing something really simple?

Wellll……..while watching a Christian Rap music video I realized the importance of wanting to be just like my Heavenly Father. 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

I had never truly understood it!

I mean……I knew we had to seek to be more like Him. But……clearly I didn’t actually understand it. Until the Holy Spirit opened my eyes today!

Now I want to be just like my Heavenly Daddy!!

My earthly daddy was a good daddy……but our relationship was……disjointed. Everything was earned. He pushed us to do well at school but nothing I did ever seemed to be good enough! I worked hard to please my dad. But I always felt as if he would compare me to someone else who was doing it better. His words always broke me down and on the inside I held alot of pain and rejection because of things he would say to me. (God has been helping me deal with this too!)

I don’t want to be like him. And I don’t want a husband like him either!

So I guess……….. this formed the wrong mindsets for me toward God. I felt as if I always had to do everything perfect to please Him.

And that is exactly what I tried to do. Be Perfect. (I will talk a little more about this in my next post!)

Don’t ever assume that when you get saved, all of your past issues are immediately resolved. The sooner you accept that Christianity is a daily death of the old and learning to hold on to the truth……the better.

It is just ao amazing how God can use anything to reach us!!! And to heal us.

He knows our issues and He has a plan for fixing each one.

Every day He is working on bringing His great plan for your life…..to fruition.

So that you can grow to be just like Him.